That's exquisitely enlightening. Now what can one do when the other is dumping? Some have a habit of dumping, and some feel they've achieved progress, I've seen people claim it out loud, when they can finally dump instead of holding - in the sense of burying, not being with. They feel relieved, or so they say, by not holding anymore and being able to dump their anger in real time. So telling them that it's not true progress will be received as nonsense. Now I can see the futility of telling people that kind of stuff... but... what can we do when that happens? What could be a constructive way to react?
Danny, I appreciate your questions; they are indeed the Yang to the Yin of my post. You've inspired me to write a sequel. I know what I do when faced with dumping. I will respond to you but first I want to bat the ball back to you and ask you what you think is best when being dumped on?
The first crucial step would be self-protection. I'm only just discovering what self-protection feels like, and I need to strengthen that muscle. It can take different forms, like telling the person I'm not able to listen right now and walking away, reminding myself of God's unconditional love, understanding that the other person is talking about thier own stuff even while they're blaming me (that can be very tough, and also, there is often a gem for me in their blame, a way I can turn that into constructive criticism for myself), etc.
Then it depends on who the person is, the type of relationship.
With a child, I'd want to va;idate and reflect back the emotion, explore what caused it, apologize or make amends when necessary, etc. It seems to me that with an older child, teenager, young adult, there's a line that eventually appears that I shouldn't try to cross to respect their intimacy. I'm finding it harder to deal with older children dumping on each other, I don't really know what to do with it anymore because they won't allow themselves to be softened anymore. It seems I missed opportunities to teach them better handling of emotions. Self-compassion, life was tough for a while...
The more distant the relationship (co-worker, boss, neighbour...) the more I'd try to avoid the person, meaning I might need to find another job and not have relationships with some neighbours.
Among closer people, that I don't want to avoid, I find that some very rational people don't want to go into emotional territory even when dumping. They won't acknowledge that they're having an emotional issue. They just want to focus on people's actions and events. It might be somewhat fruitful to let the storm pass while self-protecting, validate their perspective, and come back later to deepen the conversation safely. Life goes so fast that we rarely take the time to do that. And how to make it safe to the other to go deeper, I don't really know. I'm starting to realise that I can be intrusive emotionally.
What I think I need to do is strengthen boundaries, and that is also easier said than done, but I'm getting there, one step at a time. Looking forward to the sequel :-)
Danny, sorry for not keeping my word to come back that night, the week was more than I expected. So, I re-read your comment and want to honor the thought and feeling you put into it. You haven't asked for feedback, so I will just acknowledge what you've shared. Sounds like you have a good foothold on how to manage dumping, and I agree, it is painful to see it happening among children. Sometimes I will intervene and try to settle the warring factions and model regulation by speaking in a low, slow voice and a compassionate tone. Modeling that seems to have more good effect than instruction. And yes, when in the storm of an emotional response, and/or triggered, the executive reasoning function o four brain goes "offline" so it's tough to reason during such times. So, as you say, coming back later when tensions have cooled is often best. This emotional prioritization for the psyche has a broad survival evolutionary advantage based in taking action before thinking about what we are doing. And props for recognizing your emotional intrusiveness; appreciate your honesty. Peace to your Sunday....
That's exquisitely enlightening. Now what can one do when the other is dumping? Some have a habit of dumping, and some feel they've achieved progress, I've seen people claim it out loud, when they can finally dump instead of holding - in the sense of burying, not being with. They feel relieved, or so they say, by not holding anymore and being able to dump their anger in real time. So telling them that it's not true progress will be received as nonsense. Now I can see the futility of telling people that kind of stuff... but... what can we do when that happens? What could be a constructive way to react?
Danny, I appreciate your questions; they are indeed the Yang to the Yin of my post. You've inspired me to write a sequel. I know what I do when faced with dumping. I will respond to you but first I want to bat the ball back to you and ask you what you think is best when being dumped on?
Thanks for asking. I'll think about that and come back soon.
The first crucial step would be self-protection. I'm only just discovering what self-protection feels like, and I need to strengthen that muscle. It can take different forms, like telling the person I'm not able to listen right now and walking away, reminding myself of God's unconditional love, understanding that the other person is talking about thier own stuff even while they're blaming me (that can be very tough, and also, there is often a gem for me in their blame, a way I can turn that into constructive criticism for myself), etc.
Then it depends on who the person is, the type of relationship.
With a child, I'd want to va;idate and reflect back the emotion, explore what caused it, apologize or make amends when necessary, etc. It seems to me that with an older child, teenager, young adult, there's a line that eventually appears that I shouldn't try to cross to respect their intimacy. I'm finding it harder to deal with older children dumping on each other, I don't really know what to do with it anymore because they won't allow themselves to be softened anymore. It seems I missed opportunities to teach them better handling of emotions. Self-compassion, life was tough for a while...
The more distant the relationship (co-worker, boss, neighbour...) the more I'd try to avoid the person, meaning I might need to find another job and not have relationships with some neighbours.
Among closer people, that I don't want to avoid, I find that some very rational people don't want to go into emotional territory even when dumping. They won't acknowledge that they're having an emotional issue. They just want to focus on people's actions and events. It might be somewhat fruitful to let the storm pass while self-protecting, validate their perspective, and come back later to deepen the conversation safely. Life goes so fast that we rarely take the time to do that. And how to make it safe to the other to go deeper, I don't really know. I'm starting to realise that I can be intrusive emotionally.
What I think I need to do is strengthen boundaries, and that is also easier said than done, but I'm getting there, one step at a time. Looking forward to the sequel :-)
Danny, sorry for my absence, been swamped. I'll return tonight to you! TY
Danny, sorry for not keeping my word to come back that night, the week was more than I expected. So, I re-read your comment and want to honor the thought and feeling you put into it. You haven't asked for feedback, so I will just acknowledge what you've shared. Sounds like you have a good foothold on how to manage dumping, and I agree, it is painful to see it happening among children. Sometimes I will intervene and try to settle the warring factions and model regulation by speaking in a low, slow voice and a compassionate tone. Modeling that seems to have more good effect than instruction. And yes, when in the storm of an emotional response, and/or triggered, the executive reasoning function o four brain goes "offline" so it's tough to reason during such times. So, as you say, coming back later when tensions have cooled is often best. This emotional prioritization for the psyche has a broad survival evolutionary advantage based in taking action before thinking about what we are doing. And props for recognizing your emotional intrusiveness; appreciate your honesty. Peace to your Sunday....